Not so perfect, not so young

Monday, January 16, 2006

On the fence

So I'm on the verge of making a big decision. No, I'm not deciding to have a baby, or get my hair cut (although both are monumental decisions). I'm making a decision about school. That's all I'll say specifically about that. I have always had the sense that if you say too much about what you're trying to decide, your decision will be influenced by hearing the words come out of your own mouth too many times.

A weak and somewhat irrelevant analogy for this phenomenon involves my experience with high school crushes. When I was a teenager, I would approach crushes very tentatively. If I started feeling crushy towards a boy, I would mull it over for a while. I had to decide whether or not I wanted to have the crush become reality, because I knew that as soon as I started to tell my friends about it, the crush would take on a life of its own. Because I'm the kind of person that I am, I would inevitably tell people about my crush, for better or for worse. And then I would HAVE A CRUSH ON THAT BOY whether I liked it or not. Again, maybe it's just a quirk of my personality, but I tend to start to believe what other people say about me, so the crushes often went on for a long time, especially if other people were talking about them. That's just the way that sort of thing worked back then. Plus it's how I ended up with my husband, but that's a story for another day.

Here's the tie-in. I'm still totally on the fence with my current decision. I try to look down the road given choice A, and it looks pretty good. I can see myself on that road. Ditto with choice B. They both look really good. SO what happens if I start telling people about my choices? I might start to be swayed in one direction or the other by the words coming out of my mouth, or if other people hear me say them --

What? I'm not making any sense? Fine. I know. I've been thinking in circles lately. Decisions are hard to make. The last hard decision that I made was when Daniel and I got stuck in Vancouver with a blown transmission in our car. There were lots of problems, few solutions, and thousands of dollars to consider. Right now doesn't feel too different. Except that I'm the only person who is really affected by the decision, and I'm the one who has to make it. It hurts my brain.

One theory that's starting to shape my decision involves questions that come up again and again. I've been at this crossroad quite a few times before. I've made the choice I thought was best at the time, and went on my way. But the same question keeps coming up, again and again. Could it be that I've made the wrong choice again and again, and I'm finally getting my last chance to make the right decision? I think that may be the case.

I'll stop talking now. I can't help rambling about it. After I make my decision, I'll tell lots of other people that I made the right decision. Hopefully the more I say it, the more I'll believe it.


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